Funny Quotes

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.  ~Maryon Pearson

Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers. ~Homer Simpson

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling. ~Author Unknown

 
You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try'. ~Homer Simpson

Everybody wants to go to heaven; but nobody wants to die. ~Author Unknown

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. ~Whitney Brown

When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity. ~Albert Einstein

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else. ~Author Unknown

The road to success is always under construction. ~Author Unknown

"Insurance is like marriage. You pay, pay, pay, and you never get anything back." ~Al Bundy

Every time i find the key for success someone goes and change all the locks. ~Author Unknown

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher. ~Socrates

It doesn't matter whether you are rich or poor as long as you have money. ~Author Unknown

When someone says your ugly, just tell them that ugliness can be fixed, stupidity can't! ~Author Unknown

 
If a person suffered from amnesia and was cured, would they actually remember that they forgot? ~Jeff Foxworthy

We all get heavier as we get older just because there's a lot more information in our heads. ~Author Unknown

I'm not short, I'm compact size for your traveling conveniences." ~Briana C. McNair

If men honestly answered the facebook question: What's on your mind? Facebook would be like a pornsite. ~Author Unknown

Women are like country western songs...they're annoying, they all sound alike, but if you really listen to them you'll get depressed and drink a lot! ~Author Unknown

"I got my wife a mood ring. It works real good! When shes in a good mood it turns blue, but when shes in a bad mood theres a red mark across my forehead" ~Jeff Foxworthy